Feeling a little crafty

Started with a bare frame

Some paper and Mod Podge

A little trim

And a hook...

Ta da...I now have a place to hang my necklaces that don't fit in my jewelry box.

Heart Shaped Pancakes

William and Wes came over yesterday to hang out. I wanted to do some extra fun things while they were over. One of them was a yummy breakfast of heart shaped pancakes.

Dinner tonight

On a cold winter night soup is just what the doctor ordered. Tonight's version was a white bean soup with squash, sweet potato and kale. Yum!

ladies only please...

I am a mom...

with that comes many ups and downs. This last week has been especially emotional for me. I'm sure much of this can be blamed on baby blues and that only makes my feelings stronger. I'm not even sure where to begin. It's hard to give my feelings a name but I need to "talk" it out and this seems like as good a place as any to do it so here goes...

Why is nursing so hard? Why doesn't it just work like it should. Why can't I just do it. It certainly isn't for lack of trying or for not wanting it badly enough. I would give anything to be able to meet my daughters greatest need on my own. For 10 months I was the only one who cared for her. I met her every need. I gave her a home and a safe place to grow and mature. When we finally reached the point where she was ready to survive apart from me, nursing was the only connection I had left that kept us dependant on each other. I was the only one who could do that for her. It's what makes me her mom. Why is it that I can't meet that need for her. I so desperately want to. I spent the first 11 weeks of her life fighting for it as hard as I knew how. I nursed, supplemented and pumped every few hours. I read every thing I could get my hands on. I educated myself on every possible remedy. I took 16 different pills every day. I ate oatmeal every morning and drank enough water to fill a pool and yet my supply continues to dwindle.

I can't continue with this schedule. I have no time to think of anything besides nursing. It is all I am. It is nearly impossible to cook, clean and be a good mother or wife. So, last weekend I took a much needed break. I barely pumped at all and nursed only when Evie wanted to. I had to.

Unfortunately, that short break undid all the work I had done and now my supply is little more than a drop.

I want so badly to just feed my child and have it work like it should but that is not how God designed me. Why then am I having such a hard time with it? I know in my head that I am still a good mom. I know that Evelyn will love me just as much being fed with a bottle. I know that formula has come so far and is almost as good for them. I know all these things and yet I am still sad. It is what it is. I accept it but yet, I am sad. So now the question is, how do I get passed the sadness? How do I move on? The pump still sits out because I just can't pack it up. I can't put the nursing cape into the box. I'm just not ready. It feels as though when I do those things I'm admitting I failed. I don't want to be asked why I'm not nursing. It makes me feel like I'm not as good of a mom as those women who do. I feel as though they're thinking if I'd just tried harder...

I need to move on. I need to accept the limitations God has given me and look at the blessings I do have. I need to be thankful for my two beautiful girls. I do and I am but I'm still sad.

So, day by day I will grow, I will accept and I will heal. I will do those things because I must.

...I am a mom.