I am a mom...
with that comes many ups and downs. This last week has been especially emotional for me. I'm sure much of this can be blamed on baby blues and that only makes my feelings stronger. I'm not even sure where to begin. It's hard to give my feelings a name but I need to "talk" it out and this seems like as good a place as any to do it so here goes...
Why is nursing so hard? Why doesn't it just work like it should. Why can't I just do it. It certainly isn't for lack of trying or for not wanting it badly enough. I would give anything to be able to meet my daughters greatest need on my own. For 10 months I was the only one who cared for her. I met her every need. I gave her a home and a safe place to grow and mature. When we finally reached the point where she was ready to survive apart from me, nursing was the only connection I had left that kept us dependant on each other. I was the only one who could do that for her. It's what makes me her mom. Why is it that I can't meet that need for her. I so desperately want to. I spent the first 11 weeks of her life fighting for it as hard as I knew how. I nursed, supplemented and pumped every few hours. I read every thing I could get my hands on. I educated myself on every possible remedy. I took 16 different pills every day. I ate oatmeal every morning and drank enough water to fill a pool and yet my supply continues to dwindle.
I can't continue with this schedule. I have no time to think of anything besides nursing. It is all I am. It is nearly impossible to cook, clean and be a good mother or wife. So, last weekend I took a much needed break. I barely pumped at all and nursed only when Evie wanted to. I had to.
Unfortunately, that short break undid all the work I had done and now my supply is little more than a drop.
I want so badly to just feed my child and have it work like it should but that is not how God designed me. Why then am I having such a hard time with it? I know in my head that I am still a good mom. I know that Evelyn will love me just as much being fed with a bottle. I know that formula has come so far and is almost as good for them. I know all these things and yet I am still sad. It is what it is. I accept it but yet, I am sad. So now the question is, how do I get passed the sadness? How do I move on? The pump still sits out because I just can't pack it up. I can't put the nursing cape into the box. I'm just not ready. It feels as though when I do those things I'm admitting I failed. I don't want to be asked why I'm not nursing. It makes me feel like I'm not as good of a mom as those women who do. I feel as though they're thinking if I'd just tried harder...
I need to move on. I need to accept the limitations God has given me and look at the blessings I do have. I need to be thankful for my two beautiful girls. I do and I am but I'm still sad.
So, day by day I will grow, I will accept and I will heal. I will do those things because I must.
...I am a mom.
Bec- you know my experience in this field is limited to.... zero :) But i just wanted to send you and encouraging word. Know that God never gives you more than you can handle. He knows what you are going through and he knows you are tough enough to deal with it and he knows in the end it will make you stronger! Ill be praying for you! Miss you TONS!
ReplyDeleteBecca, I'm so sorry you are going through this emotional time... I'll be praying that you will feel better soon! You are a WONDERFUL mother, which you already know, and hopefully, as spring arrives, you will feel better about everything!! Love you bunches... Mom G.
ReplyDeleteWhat a pain Becca - I am so sorry to hear you are struggling with this. One of my favorite aunts always says that you can never tell the difference between nursed babies and non nursed when they walk across the stage to get their diplomias. Will be praying for you.
ReplyDeleteBecca, I am so sad for you as it brings back very painful memories for me as well. Out of my 6 children I was only able to nurse successfully 1 and everything you described that was right about it was true. It was my 5th child. I don't know why it worked with Daniel but it did and it was truly a blessing. When Matthew was born because it was the only thing a "true" mother did at that time, I was going to do it again. I had it down. But something went wrong with my delivery and I had complications and the long and the short was that no milk came in. They said it can happen sometimes. This realization came after Matthew had dropped a pound and blood was found in his stools. it was mine. he was nursing so hard he caused me to bleed internally. I had to feed him a bottle right in the office and I cried as he gulped like he was starving. I went home and told the family that my job was feeding this baby. If I could not nurse him then I would feed him for that same connection. It was very important to me. 2 weeks later I broke my hand and was in a cast up to my elbow. I could not even hold him. I cried and cried and told God that now my baby would not bond with me that all the mechanisms that were supposed to be in place for the perfect mother were gone.......
ReplyDeleteI want you to know Becca that out of all my children I had a very special bond with Matthew as he grew up. He smiled and reached for me more than any of the others. It was like God was saying, "I gave him to you to love and to raise and gimmicks or man-made solutions of what is important to a baby are not part of my world....love him for me." You know Andrea Megan was write. Only Daniel walked across the stage for a diploma having been successfully nursed but all of my children are my friends and are children of God and that is just the most important. Don't stress out over nursing. Go enjoy this fleeting time and enjoy the fun of two little girls who are the princesses of your home. You will fee worse if the memories are lost of the time spent stressing over nursing. And anyway....now there are some really cute bottles. :-) Aunt Denise
Oh Becca...you are such a good mom and sacrificed so much of your time, energy, and emotions trying to make nursing work. You persevered through so, so much more than what most would. Your 2 girls will always know that you love them, and not because of how you were, or weren't, able to feed them. I admire your honesty with how difficult this has been for you emotionally. Sometimes you just gotta get it out. Glad you let us in on what you're feeling. Helps us to know how to better care for you.
ReplyDeleteBecca, I have watched you over the past 12 weeks as you've nurtured Evie, and have been awed by your commitment and determination. Nora and Evie are blessed to have you as their mom.
ReplyDeleteI know how badly you wanted to make nursing Evie work, and it did, albeit on a limited level, for several weeks. That bonding will continue as you hold and cradle her as you bottle feed her.
You are a great mom. Nora is a joy. She is obediant, polite, loving..., all things you (and Jamie) are teaching her. Evie is a precious, contented baby.
God knows your heartache, and is there to uphold and encourage you. Remember that as your daughters grow, more important than anything, teaching them how much Jesus loves them and want's to be their Heavenly Father is most important.
Dad and I are very proud of you. You are a wonderful God honoring wife and mother. Your testimony is evident in your life.
Love... Mom